Caring for an ageing relative? Here’s how to take care of your own wellbeing

Date: September 14, 2022

Author: Izzi Parsonage

Caring takes its toll.

It doesn’t matter whether you’re charged with a child who has special education needs, a friend with a terminal diagnosis or an ageing parent with a degenerative disease. The challenges may be different, but the impact on your health, your daily life and ultimately your freedoms will be very similar.

And while caring can be extremely rewarding, through the exhaustion, the emotion and the overwhelming responsibility, it can often be hard to see it.

The challenges of taking on a caring role

It was reported in 2020 that one in eight people in the UK are acting as unpaid carers. That’s an incredible 6.5 million people who regularly provide support to a friend, relative or dependent.

And research shows that taking on these caring roles, often on top of work, family and other responsibilities, has a huge impact on life and career aspirations, not to mention the carer’s own mental and physical health and their relationships. In fact, in a survey, Carers UK found that “people providing high levels of care are twice as likely to be permanently sick or disabled”. In fact, 72% of carers reported they had suffered issues with mental health, while 61% said they had suffered physically.

What’s more, 8 out of 10 people caring for a loved one said they have felt lonely or socially isolated as a result.

So if you’re acting as a primary caregiver for your ageing relative, what can you do to make sure you don’t become part of the statistics above?

Look out for warning signs

From aches and pains to burn out and mental and physical exhaustion. When you’re providing personal care, emotional support, taxi rides to medical appointments, catering services and companionship to an elderly parent or friend, it can feel all-consuming.

After all, it’s not just the physicality of helping them to move around or the responsibility of remembering important medications, but the empathy and patience required to carry their fears for the future. Not to mention navigating some of the difficult situations and inappropriate behaviours that can result from many age-related conditions.

But the problem is, if you don’t look after yourself, then you absolutely can’t look after them in the way you would want to. On aeroplanes, they say you have to put your own oxygen mask on first for a reason. That’s why it’s vital that part of your caregiving role is to care for yourself too. Even when you don’t have the time. Scratch that, ESPECIALLY when you don’t have the time.

Keep an eye out for these warning signs, which if left unchecked can lead to much greater health issues:

You’re feeling tired and run down but you’re having difficulty sleeping. In fact, even when you do sleep you still feel exhausted.
You’re often in a low mood or feeling irrationally irritable. You’ve even started to take your frustrations out on the person you’re caring for.
You’re having trouble concentrating or focusing on things you need to get done.
You’ve noticed a few little health niggles but haven’t gotten around to seeing anyone about them because you have too much going on.
You’re feeling increasingly resentful about your responsibilities and no longer feel the pride and satisfaction you used to about your caregiving.

What can you do?

First and foremost, be kind to yourself.

The impact of caregiving day in and day out is huge. It’s constant, it’s difficult and it’s overwhelming. Give yourself permission to feel frustrated by it. It’s only natural that some days things get too much. Find a trusted friend to share how you’re feeling, ask for help when you need it and make sure you give yourself the kudos you deserve.

Try not to dwell on the negatives. We understand how easy it is to slip into the mindset of ‘why me?’ but blaming others for the situation or feeling sorry for yourself or your loved one is unlikely to do any good. Remind yourself regularly of the reasons you chose to care for your loved one in the first place. Perhaps it’s as a thank you for all the things they’ve done for you, or simply because you love them. And look for the positives in your daily interactions. The squeeze of the hand, the shared appreciation of a freshly baked scone or the joy of a treasured photo or memory.

Remind yourself that no matter how much they may have changed outwardly, the person you know and love is still in there.

And crucially, allow yourself to give yourself the things you need to be healthy and happy. And do it guilt free. Think healthy snacks, regular physical activity, good hydration, a bubble bath. Don’t start trying to do everything at the same time but pick one thing that seems manageable and try to incorporate it into your daily routine. See how it helps you mentally and physically. And enjoy the sense of achievement that you’ve done something, however small, just for you.

Finally, seek a support network that understands how you feel. Look for local in-person groups or even communities on social networks where you can share your experiences. Simply knowing that there are others out there in the same situation can help.

Consider respite care

While we understand that choosing to place your loved one in residential care can be a huge step, there are a wide range of less ‘permanent’ options to support adult carers.

Respite care , live-in care or to a lesser extent day centres can allow you to have some much needed time away from your caregiving situation. Time to re-find yourself and enjoy some much deserved quality of life and a good boost to your psychological health.

What’s more, by bringing in professional carers to look after the personal care needs or medical needs of your loved one, you’ll be in the fortunate position of just being able to love them and enjoy spending time with them without the overwhelm.

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